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Often people talking about who is the “top” and who is the “bottom” in gay relationships are trying to define people as either the “man” or the “woman” in the relationship - even when both people are men, or both people are women, or one person is a man and the other is both a man and a woman or neither a woman or a man or…I could go on, obviously, because there are so many ways people don’t fit into the “traditional” sexual and gender roles in our societies.īut to get back to what I was saying about gay men in particular, this whole “Who’s the top, who’s the bottom” thing is really stupid for all sorts of reasons. There’s a lot of talk out there that tries to fit queer people of all kinds right back into the heteronormative mold. Because people still don’t seem to get it. Specifically the fact that most gay men do not exclusively conform to one role or the other, and the role they assume in any particular situation is dependent upon a lot of different variable, the least of which is a personal identification with either ‘top’ or ‘bottom.’ I’m not sure how extensive your expertise is in this realm seeing as you are (presumably) a straight female, but perhaps you could write about the misconceptions about the ‘top’ and ‘bottom’ roles in the gay male sexual experience. You expressed remorse that you were focusing mainly on straight and female issues in the column, so let me help you out.